Thursday, December 6, 2012

Silent Words

This semester started out with so many ideas inspired by a desire to make the most of being here and trying to remember all of it. The ups and downs, happies and crappies, roses and thorns; however you like it. One of the ways I thought to preserve these memories was to blog.

Obviously that didn’t go so well.

I sit here, wrapped like a burrito in multiple layers as one of two heaters in the apartment warms the room. Apartment Lucy to be more specific; which is also dearly loved by three amazing women whose names three months ago I was still trying to remember and now am proud to call my sisters. The idea of having to say goodbye to them a week from now brings sad and bitter tears to my eyes. I am humorously reminded of the stages of grief and realize that I am in denial, but at least I can accept this.

How am I going to say goodbye to everyone? This question has been littering my thoughts the past two weeks and frankly it is quite draining, because I don’t know.  About any of it. I don’t know how to leave like this, or if we’ll keep in touch. I don’t know how to spend the little time I have left, I don’t know what to say to everyone who has impacted my life this semester, and I don’t know how I’m going to be able to walk away from them. Realistically, we will all arrive at the airport and have to look each other in the eyes as we give one last hug and kiss on the cheek, a tradition we have all grown very fond of, and force the word “goodbye” out of our mouths. Yes, that is how I will literally say it. Those are the concrete actions I will robotically carry out, but that word and those gestures can’t possibly encompass the true nature of the moment. The moment when silent words are what will mean the most and time is our only enemy. I will wave and smile one last time, and I will not look back because it will hurt too much to have to look away again.

I guess some will read this and smile, thinking to themselves “oh it’s so nice she was able to get so close to them”, others might roll their eyes feeling I am being overdramatic; and yet there are a few out there who will read this and  understand what I mean. What all of it meant. Not just this short reading, but what it is about. Falling in love with a land and an adventure and feeling your heart tear at departing from it. Letting complete strangers in and developing unexpected bonds, but being beyond frustrated that knowing over time you will forget each other.

Maybe that is what evokes such strong words, knowing that I will forget. The feeling of stepping outside and seeing the mountains every day, the quirky moments shared between friends and even strangers, and what it was like to live with nine unbelievable men and woman in an adventure of the unknown. I will not forget all of it, but I will forget; and this is what fuels my sadness and my anger.

One day, years from now, I will look back on this time and I will remember something. Perhaps it is in that moment that I will find what made it so hard to say goodbye.

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